Change the Words, Change the Impact

With everything going on in our country right now, it's time to discuss what I call "Positive Speech." Why? Because people need more positive right now. And because there are a slew of words people use in their everyday lives that are DIS-empowering. My goal is to get you to shift toward EMPOWERING speech.

Beliefs Shape Our Outcomes

One idea I often come back to is how powerful our beliefs are in shaping what happens next. Take a moment to think about this: when you believe you can do something, you begin to look at the situation with optimism and openness. That shift alone can turn what feels impossible into something that at least feels possible. But when you decide you can't, you've already closed the door — or at the very least put up a significant barrier — before you've even begun. In many ways, our expectations about ourselves become self-fulfilling. It really can be that simple.

I often remind people that our beliefs shape our outcomes more than we realize. Take a moment to think about this: when you believe you can do something, your mind starts looking for ways forward. You become more open, more creative, and more willing to take the next step — even when the path isn't clear. What once felt impossible begins to feel achievable.

Don't Doubt Yourself

But when you decide you can't, the opposite happens. You stop looking for solutions. Doors close before you ever reach them, and barriers appear that might never have existed otherwise. In the end, the belief comes first — and the result tends to follow.

I have shared these powerful words with students on the firearms range, during therapy sessions, and with colleagues and friends when they have all been experiencing doubt. I tell them that by saying you "can't" do something, you are already doubting yourself, throwing up the white flag, closing the door, and locking it. Why would you do this? Ugh. I get frustrated sometimes about this.

It's not that you CAN'T. Even if you really and truly "can't" do something (e.g., fly an AH-64 Apache helicopter), there is always a different and more positive way to express that.

Confession — I have a visceral reaction when I hear someone utter, "I can't" in ANY context. It literally makes me cringe or, more often, I close my eyes, shake my head, and/or scrunch up my face. The word "can't" is ugly, it's disempowering, it's defeating, and it's NOT part of my vocabulary — at least, not since I recognized how negative it is.

And it's not just in situations when people are doubting themselves. People use "can't" in response to everyday questions, such as:

• Hey, do you want to hang out Friday night? No, I can't.
• Would you mind taking me to the airport tomorrow at 2 p.m.? Sorry, I can't.
• Can you float me some cash until my next paycheck? Um, I can't.

Switch to Positive Talk

ICK!!! It's not that you CAN'T; you actually CAN do all of those things. However, instead of being honest, you choose the icky "I can't" as your default answer. There are so many ways these questions can be answered in a more positive and/or honest way. How about this:

• Hey, do you want to hang out Friday night?
  • No thanks. I have other plans. Maybe another night.
• Would you mind taking me to the airport tomorrow?
  • Ugh, tomorrow I am slammed at work. If your flight changes or there's a delay, I am available after 5 p.m.
• Can you float me some cash until my next paycheck?
  • Oh gosh, I am short on cash myself this month and don't want to stress myself out.

Go for Honesty

There is another perspective as well. Maybe you are just not up for the task, or you are not willing to do the thing(s) being asked of you. No problem! It's better to be honest about whatever is being asked versus saying, "I can't." Try these out:

• Hey, do you want to hang out Friday night?
  • I am just not up for hanging out this weekend. Maybe another day/week (this is an honest answer and not at all icky).
• Would you mind taking me to the airport tomorrow?
  • I am slammed at work, and my leaving to do something personal is too stressful right now (this is essentially saying you don't want to do this in an honest way that 100 percent supports your answer).
• Can you float me some cash until my next paycheck?
  • I have a personal rule of not lending money to friends (here, you are saying you aren't willing to lend this person money. By sharing your "personal rule," although maybe a bit awkward, you lay a foundation. That person will (hopefully) never ask to borrow money again.

Responding honestly, in a positive way, is not just empowering; it is so freeing. Okay, so it might be a bit uncomfortable at first for some of you, BUT I promise it gets easier, and it feels great.

The moral of all of this: words reinforce your thinking. Positive thinking is reinforced by positive speech and vice versa. Your words create your destiny...

So today, I challenge you to remove the word "CAN'T" from your speech. I am confident you CAN do this! Let me know how it goes!

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